I healed my autoimmune for such a time as this

I had an epiphany last night in the shower. (New subscribers: this now means you're in for a fairly long email. Long-time subscribers: here we go again!)

I was standing in the water (hot, for those of you wondering; I always finish with cold, but am not currently doing start-to-finish cold showers very often) and realized that nearly two years ago, I received the email confirming what I knew to be true: I'd healed my body and no longer had any signs of autoimmunity.

That's not the actual epiphany, but I think it probably gave my brain the backdrop for an incubation period of something that's been bubbling under the surface for the past 5 weeks.

I had a full sobbing breakdown on the phone with my friend Erica (you might know her as the creator of the Functional Progression; she's kind of a big deal) Saturday because I was so frustrated at my inability to perform what ought to be very simple tasks without increasing concussion-related symptoms afterward.

I got adjusted yesterday and was feeling a lot better symptom-wise. And simultaneously I was feeling extremely frustrated that 5 weeks post-injury, I'm still experiencing a lot of disruptive symptoms.

I passed a Fiat on my way home, easily accelerating past the tiny vehicle while only in second gear. I texted Erica and told her I felt like a Maserati with the engine of a Fiat (which I guess tells you that I typically have a very high opinion of myself since I put myself in the same category as a Maserati).

I went about my day - enjoying some warm sunshine by literally lying on my shed roof in a bathing suit (because it wasn't really warm enough to lay out but it was warm on the shingles and the sun is so healing), reading, and resting my brain.

I was tempted to workout, but I'd just worked out Saturday with our Women's Fitness class and am not in a place of back-to-back workout days yet.

When I was in the shower at the end of the day (we're now finally at the epiphany part), it occurred to me that my journey to healing autoimmunity had included asking myself the very existential question of whether or not I was grateful for my life itself, or just the things, attributes, and people in it.

I came to the conclusion (quite painfully) that if I lost everything - absolutely everything - I would still be grateful just to be.

And so now, at such a time as this*, I am being called to actually act out that gratitude.

I am beyond frustrated that my brain does not seem to be firing on all cylinders. I have found myself with feelings of hopelessness and irritability (both symptoms of concussion) that I haven't been able to shake, which has brought about more feelings of hopelessness and irritability.

In my frustration, I compared myself to a low-performance vehicle (no offense if you love a Fiat). How is that expressing gratitude?

I made an agreement with myself and came to the conclusion a little over two years ago (it was in November 2018) that I would be grateful to BE.

When my past self decided I would and could be grateful even if I didn't recognize myself, it was hard. But deciding that I AM grateful now, while I don't recognize myself, is even harder.

But I AM grateful to be. I am grateful for breath and life and I am now choosing to hold myself accountable to the gratitude which allowed self-healing to be possible.

I am grateful to be here. And I am grateful to be. I am still frustrated, but not without gratitude.

*The phrase "for such a time as this" was sticking in my head as I prepared to write this email, so I looked it up and it's in the Bible in the book of Esther. This was the link I clicked on in case you'd like to check it out.

xox
Lindsay